I’ll Tell You What…

By the time this article gets posted it will be Christmas Eve. This day is a reminder of the eminence of Christ’s arrival through the miraculous virgin conception and subsequent birth. A time of rejoicing ocurred after the Lord’s birth. This was the arrival of God’s Salvation. Why shouldn’t there be rejoicing?

Sadly, though, this rejoicing has faded for many people due to a multitude of factors. I’ve been on the borderline this season and I think I’ve finally figured it out…

During this time every year I feel the excitement of the season and just wish that the friendly atmosphere would last all year long. People are more likely to hold doors open for others, say “hello” or some other greeting, start up a conversation with a stranger, etc. This is especially noticable here in New England where most people keep to themselves. This is in comparison to those who live in the South. You could say that I’m a stranger in a strange land. I was raised in Oklahoma so maybe that should say “in a stranger land.”

I am usually affected by this spirit of good will towards my neighbor and try to pass it on to those with whom I come in contact. But this year was different for some reason. I couldn’t figure it out since I changed to a job that I absolutely love, have become more involved with my Bible study at work, have developed a deeper relationship with my children and have the best church anyone could ever hope for.

The down times would only get me when I was alone or struggling with something personal. It was very real but could be pushed aside very easily whenever someone would come around. Not necessarily as a distraction but as a substitute for the down experience. This became noticable over a period of about 3 weeks and it wasn’t until a few days ago that I figured out what it was.

As my friends and family know, I’ve been going through a long, stagnant divorce. Long because the announcement came over three years ago and stagnant because papers on the other end haven’t been fully filed. I’m in limbo, in other words. This is where all the problem pointers, well, pointed. I was feeling lonliness.

Now this loneliness is somewhat self-imposed because I don’t feel comfortable getting into a relationship knowing that I should not bond at the emotional level. The reason is simple: I’m still legally married. In my mind, it just wouldn’t be fair to bond knowing that the relationship could only go so far. Is this a logical statement or should logic have anything to do with it?

This self-imposed loneliness is also due to the fact that I vowed not to file for divorce since I did not believe that the marriage should end. I forced myself to be a passive player in the game and now I am paying the price for my cavelier actions. I did what I felt was right at the time and I am trying to keep my word. Not because I believe there is any hope of reconciliation but because I want to be remembered as a man who keeps his word. A man who is striving for truth and who wants to make that truth a part of his very essence.

Let’s face it, the holiday marketing doctors are masters at what they do and one of the things that they use is relationships to sell stuff. I don’t watch hardly any TV anymore but the few times I have watched it I noticed that sharing moments with a loved one (read: wife/girlfriend) was a major theme. This may have been what triggered my longings for a girlfriend or wife. I can’t be certain but I do know that it did play a part in it.

Now, before you go and feel sorry for me know that I am a very happy person and find fulfillment through my relationship with Jesus Christ as well as my children. I think we all experience some form or degree of depression in our lives and as long as we do not move into that state of mind we should be alright. It’s when we rent to buy that we find ourselves in deep trouble, even for the Christian. I should know because I struggled with a deep, dark depression for the three and a half years leading up to the “announcement.”

So for now, I am going to enjoy my time off from work so I can really enjoy time spent with my children. They are what’s important right now. And that bit about being depressed about not having a girlfriend/wife? Well, let’s just say that I can’t afford the rent.

It’s hard to imagine that as a Christian, I have the mind of Christ (1 Cor 2:16) because some of the thoughts that I have are in direct contradiction to what God’s Word says. I am like Paul when in Romans 7:15 he says,

For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.

This is very frustrating sometimes…

As I think about my Christian walk, I see all those times when I failed to obey the Lord. All those things that I wanted to do took precedence over the things that God wanted me to do. I hope I’m not alone in this sentiment because I don’t think that my failures are anything new to the human race. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says,

No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man;

I sin just like the next guy but because I’m a Christian I feel even more responsible for my actions. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

It could be a good thing to be conscious of my behaviors and how they affect my God and others. Controlling my anger, maintaining an attitude of patience, being kind towards others, etc. are examples of behaviors and states of mind that could affect others I come in contact with daily. Often times, it is those closest to us that see the negative side of our behavior. I’m not sure why that is but it may have something to do with someone not feeling it necessary to put on a facade of happiness to those who know better. Does that make sense? Probably not.

If my sin is hidden from others or secret then my actions only affect my Lord. This type of guilt can affect my overall mental well-being. A sense of shame could exist such that it could undermine everything that I do. This would be extremely detrimental to all my relationships especially if my hidden sin was somehow related to the way I related to another. I believe sexual sin would fall into this category.

So, what should I do? Well, I think that I should first and foremost, keep Christ as my focus. Hebrews 12:1-3 is very clear about this.

1 Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 For consider Him who has endured such hostility by sinners against Himself, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Secondly, we should look for opportunities to minister to others the way Christ did during His earthly ministry. Galations 6:2 says,

Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.

This is the law of Christ that is actually equal to greatest of the commandments. In Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus said,

37 And He said to him, ” `YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ 38 “This is the great and foremost commandment. 39 “The second is like it, `YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ 40 “On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”

So, Christ’s Law is the fulfillment of the law by example. An example we must strive to not only imitate but become. It must be automatic that we respond with Christ-like actions to our everyday surroundings and situations. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians :14-15,

14 But a natural man does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually appraised. 15 But he who is spiritual appraises all things, yet he himself is appraised by no one. 16 For WHO HAS KNOWN THE MIND OF THE LORD, THAT HE WILL INSTRUCT HIM? But we have the mind of Christ.

To think that we have the mind of Christ is an awesome thing. Are we listening to His thought processes? Is His Holy Spirit revealing things to you when you read His Word? Or should I say, if you or I read His Word?

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Scripture taken from the NEW AMERICAN STANDARD BIBLE(r), Copyright (c) 1960,1962,1963,1968,1971,1972,1973,1975,1977,1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.

As Veteran’s Day comes to a close, hopefully we are mindful of the many sacrifices that the men and women of this nation have made so that we might be free. It was only by the shed blood of her people that America obtained the freedoms that it did. These freedoms are often taken for granted by those who see the military as an unnecessary line item of the national budget. Not so with me. I served in the military out of a strong desire for service to my my country and to have a greater sense of purpose. A purpose that was put there by a God who had something greater for me…

Today was Veteran’s Day. A day that we, as Americans, have set aside to remember those who have served in the military and those who died in the service of our country. This day is a special day for me since I served in the US Navy as an officer.

There was always something about the military that intrigued me. Maybe it was the uniform or maybe it was the weapons. Beyond all that I believe that it was the sense of purpose that serving as a defender of the USA gave to me as a young boy. “If I were in the military I would be somebody.” “People would respect me because of the sacrifice I made by serving my country.” Perhaps those were my thoughts deep down.

Whatever the psychological reasons were the fact still remained that I wanted to be a part of something much greater than I could ever be on my own. Having this sense of purpose fulfilled would subconsciously permeated my decision making from the time I was a small boy to now. Did I realize that what I was sensing deep down was this? I don’t think so. It was just something that was driving my actions and decisions for the most part. I can remember many, many decisions I made for very selfish reasons that were not based on filling that hole in my life.

I believe that each and everyone one of us feel that drive at at least one time in their life. It is also my belief that this desire for purpose is put into our hearts by the One who made our hearts: God. French mathematician and Christian philosopher, Blaise Pascal, called this a God-shaped void. Augustine wrote of a restlessness that can only be satisfied in God.

I realize now that this was exactly what I was sensing because everything that I was throwing into myself just fell away into nothingness. What meaning did it give me? It did provide me with experiences that eventually gave me the basis for my conclusions. Of course, without those experiences and ultimate conclusions I would not be here telling you this!

God allowed me to experience the consequences of my own actions so that I would turn to Him when the time was right. I had to decide on my own that He was the only One who could fill that void in my life. When I accepted Jesus as my Savior I found a sense of peace that was missing in my life. I was complete for the first time in my life.

You see? My life before Jesus Christ was pointless and without satisfaction. Ecclesiastes 1: 14 says, “Everything under the sun is meaningless, like chasing the wind.” Have you ever felt that way? Even people who have achieved everything they ever wanted, like the writer of Ecclesiastes, King Soloman, have this experience. If so, then turn to God, the maker of your heart, and ask Him to fill it as only He can.

Now that my “vacation” in Arizona is over things are back to normal, whatever that is. I’m sitting at home, in my own bedroom, with my son in the next room, my cat under the chair and I’m absolutely pooped. Sixty+ hours of training in just five days takes a lot out of a person. Hopefully, I should be able to contribute more to the sys admin group now that my head has been filled to the overflow mark. But is Sun Solaris all that I’ve learned this week or was there something else in addition to Unix that I was supposed to learn? …

Last night I went down to the Holiday Inn’s restaurant and had, of all things, fish and chips with clam chowder. Who would of thought that after traveling 2200 miles I would end up eating something I normally eat in New England! Just seems a little humorous to me.

While I was waiting for my soup, a couple came into the restaurant and sat down a few tables away. I didn’t have anything else to do so I just sat there and observed them. They were of Mexican descent and appeared to be in their later 30’s or early 40’s. Nothing about their appearance was out of the ordinary. Just average people, I suppose. They were alone in that they unaccompanied by children so the interaction between them was focused.

The main thing that I noticed was their relaxed attitude and openess towards one another. They spoke to each other with smiles on their faces and their words were gentle. It looked like they really were interested in what the other was saying. Anyone could see that they were in love with each other. Not the kind of “love” that is all touchy-feely but the kind of love that says, “I love you no matter what.” The kind of love that says, “I choose to love you.”

How long have these two been together? I have no idea. It could be that they were on their honeymoon or maybe their 2nd or third honeymoon. They could be in town visiting relatives or a son or daughter at college (ASU). Like I said: I have no idea. But one thing was certain: they loved each other. All that writing for that one statement.

Could the same be said about our relationships with our spouses, dates, children…? Are we, as men, afraid to show affection in any form towards those we love in public or in private? I sure hope not. People need to know that they are loved and the only way they discover that is by observing someone else’s actions towards them. If we go around telling others how much we love our spouse, children, etc. and never tell those persons ourselves what good is that? Is that not how marriages start to decline? Our children see this and learn the behavior as truth, consciously or subconsciously. This “truth” will be applied when they are in that same situation. They will repeat our mistakes and not even realize that they are doing it.

So, what are we to do? Is it really that hard to figure out? Evidently, it is since there are literally hundreds and hundreds of books on the subject of marriage and relationships. The first step is to just make an effort. Just take one step in the right direction. You can read about it all day long but until you make the effort to correct the detrimental behavior, or, lack of behavior, that relationship will not get any better. Compliment, encourage, engage with that person genuinely. If it’s your spouse, apologize for your lack of openess and commit to a life of change. You will reap an incredible harvest if you genuinely take the necessary steps to changing your ways.

The most important thing to remember, however, is not to try it alone. Draw upon the unlimited strength and energy of God. He knows your heart and will give you what you need to overcome. It may be in the form of a brother in Christ, your pastor, a book, counseling (yes, even counseling), Bible study, etc. He is there for you and is more than willing to give you everything necessary to change.

Start today. Right now. Determine to change. You must want change with all your heart before it will come to pass. Don’t delay because time doesn’t always heal wounds. Sometimes it causes those wounds to become infected.

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The ’Canterbury Tales’ was first published over 550 years ago.